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Kit's Alter Ego
October 3, 2003, 08:42 PM
Wow, reading over the posts and blogs and journals and pop-up ads of the people involved, it really hits home how much the performers saw themselves more clearly during 24:LIVE than they usually do. This got me thinking: Who are the improvisers? What goes on in their minds? Should I include a spoiler warning at the top of this in case someone hasn't seen the movie yet? Should I ask for permission before posting something this large?

Well, I only have a few answers, which are (in no particular order): "yes," "people I'd like to hang out with," "maybe but I'm not going to for fear of the answer being no," and "hmmm...good question."

WARNING: If you haven't seen Identity, it's a great movie, so go rent it. However, reading this and finding out the ending doesn't really lessen the suspense, since it's so well done. (the movie, not the parody).

Anyway, for those who didn't understand the true story behind what people are mistakenly calling "24:LIVE," I present:

***DSIdentity***
___by Kit FitzSimons___

<ominous roll of thunder>
<lights up on close-up of notepad with the words 'GOLDEN MOMENTS' across the top of a page. On the page are such chilling details as: "Cats. They eat what they kill and they kill what they eat...unless it's catfood," and "Let's poison the pie! Who needs hobos?" In the background, the recorded voices of Tim Matson and Zach Ward are heard describing 24:LIVE 2003 to a reporter>

CUT TO: Green room, after 24:LIVE.
<Most people have left, but a few improvisers are still packing their stuff. As they finish, Peter O'Brien and Pablo Vega look up as Jesse Parent walks in>

PETE: Oh, uh, uh, out-of-towner, eh? <suddenly switches from over- to underbite> Yee-ou think you're gon' tell us'ns how to run are shelves?

JESSE: Uh...no. Neat trick with the accent though.

PABLO: Keep your compliments to yourself, sir. We know you're just trying to get that psycho out of here.

JESSE: He's not responsible for his actions! He's insane!

PETE: <underbite:> Well. Well, that's fine to say! But, uh, uh, it's not like he's not in, uh, uh, good company.

JESSE: Uh...riiiight.

CUT TO: During 24:LIVE
<ominous roll of thunder...or is that...?>

<audience is applauding as, onstage, Ryan Locante is cleaning up a motel lobby. He calmly folds the folding chairs and stacks them to one side. Suddenly, Austin Nava bursts in the door, Corey Brown in his arms. Corey looks ready to fall asleep>

AUSTIN: It's...he's...you know...

Voice From Offstage: FREEZE! Show what just happened!

<scene suddenly flashes back to Austin and Corey doing a roadside scene about hitchhiking while a young child watches from one side>

AUSTIN: I know someone will pick us up; that's good acceptance.

COREY: Yeah, well, good acceptance is kissing another man on the mouth, and nobody's been man enough since Zach and I...

AUSTIN: Oh look, a hitchhiker!

Voice From Offstage: FREEZE! Show who the hitchhiker is!

<scene flashes back to Lyda Kendrick's CHiPs audition:>

LYDA: Am I in?

<mysterious man in black gives her a thumbs-up>

Voice From Offstage: FREEZE! Back to past-of-present!

<flash forward to Austin and Corey>

AUSTIN: Oh look, a hitchhiker!

COREY: Wait. Aren't we hitchhiking?

AUSTIN: Well, we would be if there were three people in a car onstage. All we've got is two chairs and an audience volunteer.

COREY: Who? You mean M<Zach Ward runs across the stage>

ZACH: EDIT!

AUSTIN: What?! WHAT?! But that scene was just about to go places.

ZACH: Sorry, but it's all right. The character can come back; after all, it's a <crouches, knees splayed, arms spread wide> MONTAAAAAGE!

Voice From Offstage: FREEZE! Back to present!

<flash forward to Austin and Ryan>

AUSTIN: It's...he's...you know...he got prematurely edited.

ZACH: (entering) My fault. Entirely. In no way could it have been engineered by some as-yet-unknown omniscient psychopath. Let's just move on, okay? I'll go find Heather; her plane should have arrived by now.

RYAN: Wait. Are you trying to round up all the main characters?

ZACH: Well, everybody needs to be onstage before we can get to the actual mystery part of this parody.

<all turn to audience, breaking the fourth wall>
<a giant blue finger waves briefly in front of them>

ZACH: So, to answer your question, yes.

RYAN: Let me then.

<Ryan turns to audience again, then shouts:>

RYAN: CORE ONSTAGE! LET'S GO!

<Lyda Kendrick, Zack Bly, CeCe Garcia and Heather Simms all rush out of the darkness. Another roll of thunder(ous applause)>

HEATHER: You know, I just noticed our male-female ratio is a bit off.

CECE: So what else is new.

ZACH: Wait. We're still missing somebody...

CUT TO: Green Room.

<Jesse, Pete and Pablo look up as Kit FitzSimons walks in>

JESSE: Hey, you aren't a performer!

KIT: Right. But I watched the entire 24:LIVE. I think that deserves a bit part in my own parody, don't you?

PETE: <overbite:> Well, uh, that's fine and dandy, sure. But who the hell are you supposed to be?

KIT: I'm the guy who listens to all the speeches, the drama, the acts...and knows more about the show than anyone but the performers.

PABLO: Oh, you're the Judge!

KIT: Right. So where's the psychopath I'm supposed to be judging?

<Pete and Pablo look at each other, then, simultaneously:>

PETE y PABLO: I thought you were bringing him!

CUT TO: Motel lobby
<Ross White precedes a sneering Tim Matson onto the stage>

ROSS: I found him hanging out with CHiPs instead of the Core.

RYAN: Make him chug a Red Bull!

TIM: (sneering) Okay! <he chugs one, then runs to the bathroom, ostensibly to...go to...the bathroom.>

ZACH: Are you sure you should leave Tim alone like this?

ROSS: Don't make me go crazy on you.

ZACH: I wouldn't dream of it. Respect your partner, that's what I say.

ROSS: Couldn't agree more with you.

ZACH: Oh, is that so? Then why...?

LYDA: (interrupting) Ahem. Other characters here, waiting for a turn.

ZACH: You could Edit us.

LYDA: First of all, I think we're getting the impression that this parody makes Editing a metaphor for deadly violence. Am I right?

<all nod, except for Ryan who seems to growl at her for some reason>

LYDA: And if that's true...I'd say you two are the only ones who can really Edit one another.

HEATHER: Okay, this is getting way too in-depth for something lighthearted and supposedly, you know, fun. When the ball gets rolling, let me know. I think I'll go do a monologue real fast to give us some ideas.

<rest of cast pulls back into shadows as Heather stalks into the darkness and a voice from the audience shouts, "PHONY!">

HEATHER: I'll take that: 'phony'...Okay, there was this time I was talking on the phone to Zach while I was in Chicago and he was in Chapel Hill. And suddenly, the lines get crossed, and I'm talking to a homeless man in Pennsylvania! Yeah, he's got a cell phone--a homeless guy--and it's somehow managed to pick up my signal, and I spend--I don't know--five, six minutes thinking this is Zach messing with my mind. I mean, I'm playing along with this conversation and the guy must think I'm nuts because--and here's the best part--it turns out we both know M<a figure runs across the stage>

FIGURE: EDIT!

<Heather looks stricken, but leaves the stage>

<Zach and Ross look at Heather who has slumped to one side as if dead>

ZACH: That's what she gets for being late.

ROSS: Was that a pun?

ZACH: ...Sure. Why not?

ROSS: I just thought I'd check before I check on Tim; he's still in the bathroom.

ZACH: Is he? Maybe he just Edited Heather!

ROSS: Damn it, you're probably right! Especially since that draws suspicion away from me!

ZACH: Why would you need suspicion drawn aw...

<conversation fades as Zack and CeCe take center stage>

CECE: Wow. You know, I never noticed how much those two are inside each other's head.

ZACK: You never noticed that? Wow, that's...just...arbitrarily pathetic enough to allow me to pretend to be mad at you!

CECE: Agh. Help. Calm down.

ZACK: Don't tell me to calm down! I'll open my eyes as large as I want to!

CECE: I actually meant you should stop chugging.

<Zack looks down. He's holding a half-empty can of Red Bull. He makes a face...then chugs some more.>

<He makes a face...then chugs some more>

<CeCe silently looks at her watch>

ZACK: That's the last time I dub for Lyda's belly button... <he sees the look on CeCe's face> I mean Austin's. Austin's!

CECE: This is Kristin's Number 1 Face. Don't make me get to Kristin's Number 3 face.

<Zack makes a number 2 face...then chugs some more>

<CeCe checks the time again>

ZACK: Anyway, I didn't go get this Red Bull. I got it from M<While CeCe is still looking at her watch, The Figure runs across the stage again and tags Zack out, but doesn't replace him. There's a half-second pause, then Lyda jumps up>

LYDA: Wow! With all this wanton Editing, it's like we're sisters, don't you think?

CECE: Yes. I'd definitely say allegorical death brings me closer to my fellow performers.

LYDA: Are you planning on heading for the snack table or the mattresses any time soon? I'm feeling a little off.

COREY: You're feeling off? Who's the person lying down pretending to be almost asleep during a 24-hour improv marathon benefit?

<Corey is looking up at them from the middle of the stage, where he's been reclining ever since Ryan laid him on top of the folding chairs>

LYDA: (sighing) I just hope they catch that freaky sneering guy before he prematurely Edits the entire Core.

<Tim is sneaking up the aisle and out the right set of double doors. He starts for the green room, but a camera crew comes after him, and by the time he's finished talking to them, he's gotten turned around.>

<He sneaks back down the aisle and onto the stage where he bumps into Ross and Zach's scene, which has been going on in the background>

ROSS: Ha! Got you!

TIM: That's great! Really. I was just waiting for my next scene now that the Red Bull's kicking in.

ZACH: Hold it...hold it! Ryan! Do a scene with Tim!

RYAN: Uh...I don't know about that. I might have a secret that would be embarrassing to have found out, and that secret might be centered on this part of the stage.

ROSS: I'm sure you'll work it out. Do the scene.

<Ross and Zach leave>

RYAN: I guess that means we're supposed to get our own suggestion then.

TIM: Oh, sure. Can't do a scene without a suggestion then?

RYAN: What?! That's not true!

TIM: I know. I was just saying it so you'd get mad enough to left your secret slip. You know...<he tilts his head down and looks at Ryan>...secrets like that guy standing backstage?

RYAN: Hey! No fair peeking!

<Ryan runs off to push 'that guy' further off-stage-left>

TIM: I've got a secret too! I already saw this movie! I know who the Editer is! I'll say the name to myself while nobody's around to hear me. That way, M<Meanwhile, Zach and Ross are walking down the aisles, Zach to the left and Ross to the right>

ZACH: It's weird how well we foil each other, don't you think?

ROSS: You mean 'act as foils' for each other?

ZACH: I meant what I...what the hell?

<No one is onstage (except for Corey, who's still lying there)>

ZACH: (running forward) How did this happen?

ROSS: (joining Zach onstage) I don't know! Where the hell are Tim and Ryan?

<Ryan returns, just as Lyda jumps onto the stage>

RYAN: I was just...um...

LYDA: You let the show stop? How could you?

RYAN: I...HATE YOU! YOU...YOU...THROW LIKE A GIRL!

AUSTIN: (walking in from stage right) What's going on? Is this where we all get mad at each other then make up and do improv all the better for it?

ROSS: Everybody, shut up! We're doing a silent scene until we figure this out!

ZACH: Oh, a Reverse Bat, huh? I like it!

<Ross points at Ryan>
<Ryan shrugs>
<Ross gives Ryan a mean look>
<Ryan looks helplessly at the spot where Tim is no longer standing>
<Tim is sitting to the side, obviously Edited>
<Zach gives Ryan a mean look>
<Ryan grabs Lyda and tries to start a scene with her, but Lyda twists away, knowing this scene isn't over yet>
<Lyda falls backwards toward stage left, knocking an unconscious man onto the stage>
<They all stare at Greg Hohn's body>

ZACH: Scene!

RYAN: I swear: His head wasn't under my tire!

ROSS: We'll just see about that!

<Ryan suddenly bolts off the stage, followed by Zach, Ross and Lyda>

<Austin is about to follow, but someone offstage right signals to him>

AUSTIN: What? They want me to do a monologue? Okay, here goes: When I was in high school, I wasn't allowed to have a car because my parents said they wouldn't pay for the parking tags that the school said you had to have. So, I got a ride in every day from my next-door neighbor. He had three rules for riders, and only the last one was really crazy. The first two were: Seatbelts On No Matter What and No Passenger-Seat Driving. The third one though was that if he ever got pulled over and the cops started to take him away, it was the rider's responsibility to make sure they read him his rights. See, he was obsessed with getting his M<Ryan suddenly runs across the stage, effectivelyEditing Austin>

ROSS: Okay, that's it! We'll do a montage and Ryan can be in every scene!

RYAN: Okay, fine, but I'm telling you, you've got this all wrong.

CECE: (entering) You know what this is like? It's like that movie where the group of people are all gathered together and then they start dying.

ROSS: (sarcastically) Oh, you mean like--I don't know--'Identity'?

RYAN: I actually think she's referencing 'Ten Little Indians.'

ROSS: Shut up! You have no idea what...

CECE: Actually I was talking about 'Clue.'

ROSS & RYAN: Oh.

CECE: But anyway, they all have something in common; they all have a secret connection. Maybe we do too.

RYAN: Well, I'm bald and so is Corey!

ROSS: Shut UP!

<CeCe turns to look at where Corey's been lying>
<He's not there.>
<He's. Off. Stage.>

CECE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. This is upsetting.

<Zach gathers everyone to one side of the stage>

ZACH: That's it. Somebody's trying to Edit us all, and we have no idea who it is. CeCe? Take the kid who came with Corey and Austin and go straight to the green room. If you get lost, don't stop until you find one of our out-of-town guests. At least the non-Core ones don't seem to be getting Edited prematurely.

<Austin and Heather lean in>

AUSTIN & HEATHER: Gee, thanks for the invite, Zach!

<They lean out>

<CeCe and the kid start out across the stage>

ROSS: You can't do that, Zach! You can't just tell one of the Core to disappear for the rest of the night!

ZACH: Yes. I. Can.

ROSS: Oh. ...Yes, you can. But now we've lost another female Core member.

VOICE FROM ONSTAGE: E-d-i-t! EDIT!

<Zach, Ryan, Ross and Lyda whirl to see that no one is onstage>

<.In fact, as they look around, they realize:>

ROSS: The prematurely Edited victims have disappeared completely!

LYDA: That's impossible!

ZACH: I know! There's no way they'll all fit into the snack-and-break room!

RYAN: I don't mean to be a spoilsport or anything, but does anybody else notice that the audience has been applauding louder lately?

ROSS: Maybe we're getting funnier.

LYDA: I have a feeling it's just our ears getting more sensitive without sleep.

ROSS: Whatever it is, we need to figure out what's going on here with the Editing first; then we can worry about audience appreciation. Let's go.

<Ross, Lyda and Ryan head off to do some kind of Deconstruction. The premise is vague because Zach seems to have retained the focus of the scene and is staring at a notebook in the front row of the audience. On it are written the words: "B-MOVIES" and "185">

ZACH: Oh no. That's the connection: We've all been telling awful jokes and getting applause for them.

<As if in answer, heavy thunder(ous clapping) ensues>

ZACH: (frantically) That wasn't a joke! That wasn't a...

<suddenly:>

CUT TO: Green Room.

JESSE: (gesturing out the door) And here's the psychopath I was referring to earlier.

PETE: (underbite) But I thought that, that, that Tim Matson was the psychopath!

PABLO: (with deep power) There's more than one psychopath.

<pause>

JESSE: So, here's the psychopath I was referring to earlier.

<.In walks The Other Side, supporting Scott Jennings>

PETE: (overbite) Well, well, which one is it?

KIT: It's Scott. Sheesh, don't you see the similarity between him and the psychopath in 'Identity'?

JESSE: Oh hell. You based this entire parody around that fact, didn't you?

KIT: Not...uh, not... (defensively) No! It was just a lucky coincidence.

JENNINGS: I wouldn't play poker with that face if I were you.

JESSE: Any. Way. Who are we speaking to now?

JENNINGS: Linda Blair. Who do you think?

<Jesse looks slightly embarrassed, then smacks Jennings upside the head hard enough to jar his psyche>

JESSE: (to the others) Sometimes it just takes a good whack, you know.

<They turn to look at Jennings, but to the viewer he's become Zach>

ZACH: What happened? Where am I? I didn't fall asleep did I?

JESSE: Ah, it's Zach. No, you didn't fall asleep. Actually, you can help make things better.

ZACH: How?

JESSE: See, the problem is, you don't actually exist.

ZACH: I'm pretty sure I do. Zach Ward is a name that holds some meaning for people across the country, you know.

JESSE: Oh, certainly. It's just that, see, you're not Zach Ward; he is.

<Zach Ward walks in>

ZACHWARD: Hi, Scott.

JENNINGS: Happy birthday, Zach.

<Jennings is once again Zach>

ZACH: (panicking) Why did I say that? What have you done to me?

JESSE: Calm down, Zach.

ZACHWARD: Excuse me?

JESSE: No, no, I mean this Zach...look, I'll just say Zach Ward when I want you, okay, Zach Ward?

ZACHWARD: All right, I'll just be erasing the chalkboard over here if you need me.

JESSE: Fine, fine. Okay, Zach? We need your help. This interruption of the murder-mystery storyline has run over, big time, so I'll just cut out most of the setup and just tell you: You're one of Scott Jennings' multiple personalities brought on by sleep deprivation and one too many Red Bulls. Scott thinks he got sleep, but he really has lost all control of his mind and has appropriated the personalities of ten of his fellow improvisers and some random audience member. Thanks to some quick coaching by me, we've managed to force these eleven psychic dopplegangers to put on a 24:LIVE inside Scott's head, and the real villain is one of them.

ZACH: What did the real villain do?

KIT: Well, that's...for us to know and you to find out.

PABLO: I don't know what he did.

KIT: Why you...! ...Okay, fine. The villain took over 24:LIVE and pulled all attention away from the other improvisers. Works?

PETE: (underbite) Wait. Who actually did that?

KIT: You'll just have to wait and find out with the rest of us!

ZACH: Okay. Well, I'm heading back in and doing what now?

JESSE: Just make sure the guilty personality doesn't leave that 24:LIVE...alive.

ZACH: Fine. Let's FIRE IT UP!

<Jennings slumps into The Other Side's collective arms>

<pause>

ZACHWARD: I don't really talk like that, do I?

CUT TO: A scene outside the motel.
<Zach shakes his head and realizes he's almost in the lobby. He heads for the others who are still onstage>

<Lyda tries to find the list of who's coming up next to perform and riffles through Ross' stuff to see if it's in there. On the bottom of the stack is a sheet of paper that's labeled: "Ross and Tim's Unholy Alliance Pact and The Reason Dan Winkler Hasn't Shown Up Yet">

Voice From Offstage: FREEZE! Show how this pact got made!

<scene flashes back to a scene with Tim, Ross and Dan Winkler>

WINKLER: Freeze! And now, another moment of insight from Dan. It's funny how people get upset over the simplest things. I mean, here I am, not actually in all that many scenes, and people start begrudging me my moments of quiet conversation with the audience at large. Since I wasn't even the one who came up with the Winkler's Wisdom idea, I think I should get a chance to speak, don't you?

<Tim and Ross look at each other>
<Ross runs across the stage>

ROSS: Edit!

TIM: So. Unholy Pact time again, Ross?

ROSS: Sigh. I suppose. I get to be the good guy this time though.

TIM: Fine, then you've got to schedule ButtPeach another Inside Improv show. Solo, this time.

ROSS: Oh fine. It's not like CHiPs would've shown up anyway.

Voice From Offstage: FREEZE! Return to present!

LYDA: (fearful whisper) Ryan!

<Ross knocks Lyda down and towers over her>

LYDA: How did you know I was onto you?

ROSS: First of all, you read the damn pact out loud so the audience knew what it was. Second of all, stage whispers--especially fearful ones--tend to carry pretty well. Now give me my pact back.

RYAN: FREEZE! <Ross does. Ryan goes to Lyda> You all right?

LYDA: Yes. It's a good thing Ross is so conditioned toward acceptance that even your impromptu use of improv rules stopped him.

<Ryan suddenly is tagged out. Lyda screams. Ross has impossibly broken out of the Freeze and taken Ryan's place>

ROSS: Yes. It's also a good thing that Zach talk me how to metaprov.

<they both look at audience, breaking the fourth wall>
<they turn back to face each other>
<then, from the audience:>

ZACH: Lyda. Go do a monologue about oranges.

LYDA: But what are you...

ZACH: Like you said, if anyone's going to Edit Ross, it's got to be me.

<someone in the front row cheers at the callback and waves a giant blue finger>

ROSS: Yeah, and vice versa, Zach!

<Ross and Zach face off with no seeming advantages on either side, but suddenly...>

DJPJ: I'm back, guys. Up for some freestyling?

<roll of climactic applause>

ROSS: Okay, I give up.

<Zach nods in satisfaction and is just running across the stage, Editing Ross, when suddenly:>
<Ross, while leaving the stage, tags Zach out>

LYDA: <heartrending:> NOOOOOOOOOO!...<turns to audience and smiles> Oranges remind me of Florida. So, in fourth grade, I went to Florida to go to Disneyworld. My parents took a wrong turn off the highway, and somehow it got to be sunset, and we ended up in the middle of farmlands. There we were, all alone, and my parents just up and decide to spend the night there, since the park was who-knows-where and we were completely lost at the moment. I was elected to knock on the door and look like a sad puppy long enough to convince the farm owner to let us spend the night. I thought it would be better though to show that we could help out around the place. So, on my way to the door, I grabbed a basket and filled it full of apples and oranges. Then I knocked on the door and balanced the basket on top of my head like they do in the Jungle Book. Well, the farmer opened the door, and he took one look at me and called to his wife: "Honey, come quick! We're being invaded by Carmen M<a shadow falls over Lyda>

<Lyda looks behind her and sees the kid who had been with Austin and Corey, the unassuming audience member, none other than...>

LYDA: Miranda?! You're the villain?!

Voice From Offstage: FREEZE! Flashback expository montage!

<flashback sequence:>
<Miranda shouting 'PHONY!' from the audience>
<Miranda gesturing for Austin to do his monologue>
<Miranda doing all the Edits, except the ones she didn't do>
<Miranda doing all the tag-outs, except the ones she didn't do>
<Miranda saying a dirty word: MIRANDA: "Poop.">
<Miranda not finishing her dessert>
<Miranda staying up past her bedtime to write down notes about 24:LIVE in her IRC Journal>

Voice From Offstage: FREEZE! Return to present!

LYDA: (looking pensive) I guess it didn't matter that we broke Safe Show Mode then, huh?

MIRANDA: (flippantly) Oh, go bake some snow bread.

<Miranda tags Lyda out>
<the audience laughs nervously>

MIRANDA: (exasperatedly) Oh, the CD's finished again.

CUT TO: Outside Hamilton.
<Jesse and Jennings are walking toward the parking lot>

JESSE: Can I give you a ride to BW3?

<zoom in for close-up on Jennings face>

JENNINGS: No thanks... <dramatic pause> ...it's way past my bedtime.

<L'il G runs up behind Jennings and does a wavy-arm explosion behind his back>

L'ILG: (flames-of-Sadan voice) Whoosh!

JENNINGS: See you next year.

***********************
FINI
***********************

--Kit "good-natured fun, not inflammatory comments" FitzSimons

PS: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblence between characters within and actual people in the actual world should be taken with a grain of salt, as they may be either exaggerated or even completely fabricated. On the other hand, it's a parody using 24:LIVE performers in place of the regular characters, so there are bound to be some actual mannerisms. You know. So yeah, feel free to slap me or punch me in the gut if you're offended. All I request is that you warn me first, so I don't die like Houdini.

Jeff Sconce
October 5, 2003, 06:37 PM
Right now I love you so much it aches.

ilaughatme
October 7, 2003, 10:55 PM
Fun stuff. But I wasn't in the CORE. So if you didn't see me on stage as much as CORE members, well that was why... Thanks for putting me in the CORE though. It was a fake dream come true.

Kit's Alter Ego
October 8, 2003, 12:11 PM
Fun stuff. But I wasn't in the CORE. So if you didn't see me on stage as much as CORE members, well that was why... Thanks for putting me in the CORE though. It was a fake dream come true.

Well, if you've seen the movie (or even if you haven't and have only looked at this post that I'm typing right now), you'll realize that the character of Jenny (whom you are playing in the parody) is "not really" a lot of things.

1) She's not really pregnant.
2) She's not really killed, or at least, they don't actually show her dead, so I'm guessing she just ran off into the night and hitchhiked back to Vegas or something. In your case, when you were "edited" it was actually probably you going to get ready to be onstage with Throws Like A Girl.
3) She's not really blonde.
4) She's not really stupid or really fat or really weird or really trigger-happy, like any of the other characters.

I feel safe saying that you two have these traits in common. However, I meant to put in some lines during your conversation with Zack to the tune of:

ZACK: CeCe, sheesh! Why are you almost never onstage with the rest of the Core? You're always running back to the back and sitting with CHiPs. What's up with that?
CECE: (suddenly letting loose) I'M NOT IN THE CORE!
ZACK: (dangerously quiet) What?
CECE: Sniff. Sniff. Whimper. I'm a main character in the parody, but I'm not in the Core.
ZACK: Then why have I been in scenes with you?!?
CECE: Now that hurts.

I apologize for the confusion.

--Kit "and no, I won't just edit the original post" FitzSimons

PS: ... :roll: ... Tails. Jesse wins.