View Full Version : 24:LIVE joy

September 30, 2003, 02:21 AM
If you thought Kit had a lot of quotes, check this out. With the help of my best friend Amy, I compiled 93 quality quotes by scribbling them down all over two 24:LIVE programs. These are somewhat mixed up (okay, really mixed up), and only a few have explanations or citations (this ain’t English class). Enjoy reminiscing about this wonderful event while being very confused in the process. I’d like to shout out to everybody who performed in 24:LIVE, you’re all hot, and Amy and I loved spending 24 straight hours watching the genius of improv.

Nowhere near the “best quotes” list, it was all too often…this is the “best of what I could write down while dying laughing and inbetween making 8000 suggestions” list. Enjoy!

1. “This is my number one face… don’t make me get to my number three face!!!”
2. (as Rosey O’Donnell) “…I’m a lesbian, cut, let’s go to lunch.”
3. “Dad, Charlie told me I have a widow’s peak”
“Yeah, it’s affecting your whole social life.”
4. “…and I noticed that in the gymnasium…where there were trees…”
5. “You knew, but you dangled.”
6. “I’m a bad bass, mothafuckah.”
7. “I will spit on you with…my mouth.”
9. (as Wedding Barbie’s head) “I wish I had a body so I could pee pee with my penis.”
10. “…And she’s toe-in’ the dirt like the wants it.”
11. “BILLY, your ugly friend is in my room!”
“He’s not ugly and his name is Todd….Do him!...We’re outa pizza pockets…I’m goin to Teeter.”
12. “Let’s play a word association game. Pet dander.”
“Hootie and the Blowfish.”
“What the fuck?!”
13. (world’s worst first date) “I want a divorce and I’m keeping the car.”
“Can I lick your stomach?”
14. “I should preface this by saying this is not a wedding ring.”
15. “Wait, I get a BE and you get a FR?”
(Zach) “…Time out.”
16. “It kicks so much, I swear…Or she.” (one of Corey’s many strange pregnant woman quotes)
17. “I don’t want to get your face schmootz on my legs!”
18. “I thought I was on the phone but now I think NO.”
19. “And I’m, like, trying to dodge his blows because they were vicious.”
20. “I’m a semi-final Nugget!!!”
21. “Honey, you know the man said just use a little hydrogen peroxide.”
“I’m allergic to hydrogen.”
22. “We’re gonna turn that ‘eh’ into “UHN.”
23. “After 9 o’clock my license goes…rank.”
24. “Your nose looks like a fuckin pelican.”
25. “I’m gonna fall asleep now, you sonovabitch.”
26. “He seems to be turning into some kind of a jungle cat.”
27. “Your blank is so blank, you fill in the blanks, and I’ll provide the diss, bitch.”
28. “Even if I were in a hurricane, I think I’d rather die than eat SPAM.”
29. “But I couldn’t plant myself!”
30. “I say sticks ARE stones!”
31. “Red Rover is not very fun with three people.”
32. “You’re right on top of everything, Albert.”
“I wish I were, Miss Claire.”
33. “I didn’t tell you this, Albert, because you’re not important to me.”

34. “The man is an insect.”
“He had a terrible childhood and needs to take it out on butlers.”
35. “Man, if you keep talking, I’ll put my cigarette out in your eye.”
36. “Fee Fiy Fo Fum, I smell a Jack’s bum!”
37. “Cow Heaven sucks. Ow. Ow…”
38. “You’ve got mail!”
“It’s just spam…I don’t need a bigger dick!”
39. “Wanna help rake the clouds?”
40. “When you wear that miniskirt, I want to torture you.”
41. “I would like some boots made out of human scalp.”
42. “What sets you apart from the other two bachelorettes?”
“Well, I’m a huge dyke.”
43. “…and then I’d probably smack you around, because you’re a fuckin MAN.”
44. “That sounds positively tasteless.”
45. (a new hit) “I Want You to Spread Your Love on Me Like You Spread Jam on Toast.”
46. “My quads are like…stallions’ quads.”
47. “…and I got drunk last night and pooped in the bed.”
48. “You know, I’ve been watching you sleep for three hours.”
“You freaky little shit!”
“I’ve been watchin you watch him sleep for three hours.”
“I’ve been watchin Regis and Kathy for three hours.”
49. “We’re gonna rule ass this year.”
50. “You’re being the biggest baby about this death burger!”
51. “We ain’t gonna keep buyin you food if you keep eatin it.”
52. “I hope this clogs your arteries and kills you.”
53. “…Here you go, choke on it.”
54. “I come bearing bad news…all tragedies have been banned.”
55. “We’re not supposed to hate each other, we hate our mom!”
56. “What was it like to be involved in such a catastrophic event?”
“It was really fucked up.”
57. “It’s almost like you have breasts, you’re THAT nurturing!”
58. “Are you a Nazi or a bus driver?”
59. “I feel a little jealous that your boyfriend’s right here in our bed.”
60. “Combos, man. I need some like a toaster needs toast.”
61. “I got double prints! Ah ha!”
“Can I see ‘em?”
“No! They have nothing to do with this conversation!”
62. “If your face was under my tire, I’d run over it.”
63. “I sleep under the bed.” –Corey
“Perfect. ‘Cause we sleep on it.” –Ryan and Heather
64. “I’m a freaking home ec factory.”
65. “Hey. My name is Petruchio.”
66. “Try the Italian Stallion. You might like the ride.”
67. “Feel your incestual lust toward each other!”
68. “Feel the need to make babies that possibly might have messed up chromosomes.”
69. “I think his leg is missing.”
70. “I can’t believe it’s not yogurt!”
71. “I brush with Crest Aquafresh!”
72. “He asked me out, and I said SIKE!”
73. “It’s not fair! There’s nothin wrong with a few pairs of kulats.”
74. “Wasn’t that a ball buster.”
75. “I’m Mufasa.” –Ryan
“I move slowah.” –Austin (say it out loud)
76. “Mom, don’t make me laugh, ‘cause if I laugh I might pee a little…heh heh.”
77. “With this big scar across my face, I’m not the best looker in the drawer.”
78. “Well I see that you’ve told our son that being in drama is okay and not totally gay.”
79. “I was in the closet, trying to, like, die, and the janitor mopped my face.”
80. “Reverse chivalry is SO in.”
81. “This isn’t gonna be one of those ‘urinating on the cake’ things again, is it?”
82. “Zoom in to see a sharpie sticking out of her nose.”
…”I can’t *believe* an entire sharpie was stuck up your nose.”
83. (takes a bite of giant blueberry) “Mmmm”
“…But now you have the strength of 500 men!”
“…Oh DAMN.” (keeps eating giant blueberry)
84. “He’s got a lot of stress in his life. I can tell by his gray chest hair.”
85. “Little Jimmy’s eye popped out when he held in a sneeze yesterday, and he’s doing just fine! Just look at him over there with the…tetherball.”
86. “You get the door, I’ll punch the baby to make it stop crying.”
87. “Hey guys, I brought a gun to school, just ‘cause.” –Heather
88. (on what colleges should look for) “..No, man, it’s not just letters and numbers…it’s ideas, man.” (AMEN)
89. (during a Beastie jam session) “Look at my rear, it is a BUTT.”
90. “Did you just shoosh me with your eyes?” –Tim Matson
91. “You never have fun in the back of an unmarked van.”
92. “Mom, Dad, excuse me when I say this. (to sibling) I fuckin hate you.” -Zach
93. “Look, I built a lego diorama where women are treated like first class citizens!” -Heather
(somebody help me out, I don’t know what this quote was exactly, because I was laughing to hard to get it down right)

Don’t forget…panthers, Lothor, Corey’s vagina, Asian jokes, women jokes (even though this benefited the Women’s Center), Suicide Club, Tommy, Miranda is awesome, many saDanic references :twisted: and flames shooting up from anything and everything remotely bad in any way, and sooooo many thousands of other things that I will never forget.

October 8, 2003, 09:56 PM
it was something like:

heather: "my lego diorama represents a world where women are treated as equal to men"

zach: "my lego diorama represents a world where fat kids get picked for dodgeball"

and don't forget...

heather: "oh no! you gave him starches! not starches!"

and the scene in the dark was brilliant to say the least..

ryan: "dad! look at me! i'm in the harbor!"
zach: "i have no son"