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View Full Version : Inside Golden Moments: 11-29-03


Kit's Alter Ego
November 30, 2003, 02:22 PM
GOLDEN MOMENTS: INSIDE IMPROV
NOVEMBER 29th, 2003
A Tribute To Fire Safety Laws Night
(Ethan K: 'Cause we're breakin' 'em all!)

Host: A very sick Ethan K
Groups Performing:
:arrow: Piecemeal
:arrow: Junk Mail (Improv 303-S)
:arrow: Borden & Mason


From Ethan K:

<putting his tapeworm sock puppet away>
Ethan K: So tonight, we've got an awesome performance...that wasn't it.

<during a moving unplugged guitar cover>
Ethan K: Now I'm going to do it one more time like it's the big rockin' finale of the rock show...And I'm gonna act like I'm in pain too!

Ethan's classic poem entitled "I'm Sorry":

I'm Sorry
I'm sorry I went out in the rain yesterday to put my Randy Newman CD in my car while rain was pouring and it got in my head and made me sick.

I'm sorry that so many of you came from out of town to see me basically rot up here as the cold bacteria racks my body to the point where I am basically a vegetable with red shoes.

I'm sorry I can't talk as well as I usually do because all the mucus that was in my sinuses is dripping down my throat in a sort of plague from inside my head.

I'm sorry I feel like there are brine shrimp living in my head. This is my fault and I accept responsibility for my stupid, stupid actions.

I'm sorry that I farted in the church. It's not something that has to do with my being sick, but I feel guilty for it.

I'm sorry that I might transfer cold bacteria to you as I speak to you. I saw on the Discovery Channel that bacteria fly out of my mouth as I speak and lodge themselves in your mucus membranes. This is not my fault, but I hope you forgive me anyway.

I'm sorry I'm not able to do all the bits I was going to do tonight:

I was going to do a dance, but I can't feel my legs or anything past my hips.

I was going to sing comical Italian opera, but the mucus in my head is preventing me from saying "N"s and "M"s.

I was going to do a funny monologue but the pills I'm on make me think that I'm trapped in a little box and that I am naked and being poked with sticks.

I was going to do a Jerry Seinfeld impression, but Jerry Seinfeld is not a funny man and also he sucks.

I was going to sing a song but I'll throw up. Maybe later, if I throw up in the alley a few times first, you can hear me sing then.

And I'm sorry that there are people out there who are missing this next awesome act!
<cue the rest of the introduction>

From Piecemeal:

Porter Mason, sage: It was then that he got stuck under the table. Now remember this was 3000 years ago, and tables weren't as common. They thought they'd never get him out...
...But they did.

Ross White:That's a lot of watching a woman blowing on a clarinet without having some thoughts!

Dave Siegel: And I'm looking for a room with a lot of gravitas.
Porter Mason: Haha...hmm.

Porter Mason, judge: Go ahead, members of the jury. Tell us your verdict.
Jane Borden, jury foreman: (to lawyer) Remind us, are you the prosecutor or the defense?

Ross White: Look. It's a murder. It's not a funeral yet.

Jane Borden: Nooooooooo...
Ross White: Yeeaaaaaaah...
Jane Borden: Nooooooooo...
Ross White: Yeeaaaaaaah...
Jane Borden: No-no-no!
Ross White: Yea-yea-yeah!
Porter Mason: Hold it!
Jane Borden: Aww, please! Can't I?
Porter Mason: ...Maybe.

Ross White: I bet if a volcano came and lava was goin' all over, you'd run barefoot!
Jane Borden: Isn't that how you lost your left foot?
Ross White: ...I was young!


From Junk Mail:

Tim Coynesmith: The thing is, a pineapple is a sad fruit. How'd you like to always be buried? Growing underground?

Tim Coynesmith: I'd lose my girlfriend...and my house...and my dog...and my bike...and my shoes which I just financed...

Tim Coynesmith:
(to woman's violent cat) KICK the cat, KICK the cat!...
(to woman about her cute cat) ...and just move that one gently aside.
(whispering to cute cat when woman turns her back) KICK the cat! KICK the cat!

Dave Siegel: Now we're playing a game called Newsca...
Dana Soady: Heyheyhey! Dana announces this game!
Dave Siegel: I'm sorry! I thought it said 'Dave.' (to the audience:) Our names are spelled similarly.
Dana Soady: No they're not!

Dana Soady, sports reporter Seth, discussing cheerleaders: With this fear of hangnails, there are no pyramids. Without pyramids, there are no cheers. Without cheers, there's no game.
Tim Coynesmith, anchorman: Seth...thank you for that...insightful...commentary.

Dave Siegel, technology reporter, in an ultra-chipper, nasal voice: This is Emmett Brown in the studio with your Technology Beat! Now, I know some of you are typing, typing away, but slowwww down there, cyber cowboy!

Dave Siegel, Emmett Brown: With a hangnail comuter virus like that, it's just PORN. PORN. PORN.

Dana Soady: (to a rival's chameleon) You think you're all that... ...but you're not.

<during a Matrix fight scene>
Dave Siegel, combatant: You're moving sooooo slow!


From Borden & Mason:

Porter Mason, Troy Olympus: Sometimes I wanna be more than Troy. I mean, just my name: 'Troy.' Similar to the Ancient Greek...you know.
Jane Borden: Hey, now.
Porter Mason: I think about these things at night! I just...well, I can never live up to my dad. You know, with his name? Achilles? And he's got that foot problem, and it's just...

Porter Mason, Troy Olympus: A shitty accountant is what I'm gonna be.
Jane Borden: Hey. Troy Olympus is...shitty not.

Porter Mason, frustrated dad: Don't you talk about "your generation like you've gotten together. You haven't.

Jane Borden, frustrated daughter: At least the high kickers get the field time! I...cheerleading is my...I could be the Valedictorian of cheerleading!

Porter Mason: No, no, everyone says that.
Jane Borden: No! No! It's jargon! It's jargon!

Jane Borden: Oh my god. Maybe I could make up a flavor called Shakra.

Jane Borden: Aren't you worried people'll stop smoking and you'll be out of a job?
Porter Mason: ...People will never stop smoking... ...I don't wanna get into it, but, you know.

Porter Mason, son of the gods & accountant-to-be: ...and I swoop in and help!
Jane Borden, doting mother & goddess: OH, you swoop! I like swooping!
Porter Mason: Well, actually, I...walk in with a briefcase.

Jane Borden, goddess at her son's work: Henceforth, these Post-It Notes are very important Post-It Notes! (aside to her son:) I'm trying to help.


--Kit

PS: Two-person groups are a stenographer's nightmare.

_______________
Katie Roberts: What is Scott Jennings doing? What is Scott Jennings doing?
Corey Brown: (in a bored voice) Being hilarious.

Dave Siegel
November 30, 2003, 02:47 PM
It was great having out of town guests join us at the Scoop saturday night.

and Tim I'm sorry for punching you in the balls.

PT
November 30, 2003, 05:08 PM
Yeah the show last night rocked! Give it up to the performers and Ethan for being sick and still puttin on a great show! And Scott, for tickling my stomach, hehe.